:))new phone...

Happy happy happy I be

i have this new thing for the number 8. i have been analysing it and have come to the conclusion that it could possibly be the reason for the nonsensical processes that go on in my brain. there are so many 8's in my b'day date. i think the 8s are what make me so loopy. i think from one side but i can also see the others POV. so difficult to take a tough stand on anything when u can empathise with the enemy!

so...

i think i should be a spiritual leader. not a religious one as pointed out by mr. bow-and-arrow but a spiritual motivational leader.

i just have to tame my anger a few notches further. i'm getting there. but i can see myself talking to millions and millions of people and telling them to weed stuff out of their life and go, go with the flow.

i just keep repeating to myself. don't be problem focused. move. do. seek solutions. 

just ensure that the problems exist. fighting demons that don't exist or rather exist only within the undulations of your mind is a waste of precious time and energy. And i can tell other people too. if they'd listen. then life would be a breeze! wouldn't it? 

this is going to be a long post my dearest blog. 

my mind wanders and i must wander with it or risk losing it. 

so many people are mad at me for some or the other reason. the reasons all seem valid. but now i can't change what i did, how i dealt with time or the lack of it or if i was plain lazy. i wonder if it means they love me less. in some small part of their heart have they slotted me as someone who cares too less and they care much more but now no more? sigh.

i think i'm too momentary. by which i mean that i get so sucked into the here and now that i forget that you have to make room for things, people, events. but its all exhausting. often you find that you are functioning on reserve fuel and what if your car stops? then what? 

friends are petrol pumps in that sense. but where are they? aren't they on their own clocks and wheels and the big deals? so how do you deal with the fact that you are absolutely, irrefutably alone, everyday. swim swim swim. you wait. no hovering helicopters that will take you towards safety and rest.

so you swim to the other side, a myth like the 'flat land' you walk towards. but you still swim. did you know  more and more polar bears are dying by drowning. their own environment is just disappearing under their feet. how tired they must be from all the swimming...

i like typing dots... they fill space on virtual pages and leave untold things that way but convey a morse code of emotions. but nobody has time to decode them. 

i can't write. i can't draw. i can't make. i can't create. i can't convey. i can't love. i can't think. i can't hope. i can't wait. i can't have. i can't try. i can't enjoy. i can't find. i've lost my mind.

now gotta work on removing all the 't's

Someday's you feel dumb...or rather like you're not as smart as somebody else and you go through continuous negative self evaluation.

i feel so crappy these days...what am i doing? why am i here? how come everyone has so much clarity on what they want to do/ be in life? and here i am, lost, suspended in permanent orbit around the same people, same things.

why don't i feel like my life is going somewhere? why can't i have a small slice of the happiness that everybody seems to have? why am i here, typing in bursts of emotion, weeping over a keyboard, looking for heavenly intervention in the form of light from welding work at a construction site?

what are the new things i have done? what are the new risks i have taken?

i want the people i love to be happy and i try to help them have that but what about me...sometimes i feel that inside me somewhere there is a small, tiny, awkward piece that has gone missing and no matter how hard i try i can't seem to find it.

Pani da rang vekh ke
Akhiyaan cho anju rul de
Maahiya na aaya mera, maahiya na aaya
Maahiya na aaya mera, maahiya na aaya
Ranjhana na aaya mera, maahiya na aaya
Maahiya na aaya mera, ranjhana na aaya
Akhaan da noor vekh ke
Akhaan da noor vekh ke
Akhiyaan cho anju rul de

Seeing the color of water,
tears roll down my eyes
my lover didn't come, my beloved didn't come..
seeing the glow of the eyes,
tears roll down my eyes..

Kamli ho gayi tere bina aaja ranjhan mere
Baarish barkha sab kuch beh gayi, aaya nahi jind mere
Akhaan da noor vekh ke
Akhiyaan cho anju rul de

I went mad without you, come o my love,
all the rain flowed away, nothing stayed in my heart,
seeing the glow of eyes,
tears roll down my eyes..

Kotthe utte beh ke akhiyaan milaunde
Na jaana main tu kabhi chhod
Tere utte marda, pyaar tenu karda
Milega tujhe na koi aur
Tu bhi aa sabko chhod ke
Tu bhi aa sabko chhod ke
Meri akhiyaan cho anju rul de
Akhiyaan cho anju rul de

on the roof our eyes meet,
I don't have to leave you ever..
I fell for you, I love you,
You'll not find anyone else (so much loving)
You too come, leaving everyone..
You too come, leaving everyone..
tears roll down my eyes..
tears roll down the eyes..

Pani da rang vekh ke
Akhiyaan cho anju rul de...

Learning to unwind with company (mine!)

Just wanted to treat myself. And tada- a thought pops into my head. Who says you can't enjoy dinner alone?
So I whipped up a pasta- remotely Italian, mostly Indian, but very very tasty!

• Boil water.
• Pour 1 1/2 cup Elbow macaroni in bits and stir softly, occasionally, without upsetting the pasta.
• Sort the veggie you need to cook- yellow and red bell pepper, babycorn, onion, tomato.
• Stare at the veggies and feel slightly lazy to chop them.
• Decide to use the 'mini chopper'. Yay!
• Put all the veggies together and blitzzz.
• Drain and cool macaroni.
• Think about what to put in the base pasta paste.
• Decide to wing it- courtesy my refrigerator.
• Blend- olive oil, water, coriander, mint leaves, basil, chilies, grated cheese and walnuts (handful in the blender, handful in your mouth).
• Heat olive oil. Add chilly garlic paste. Saute till you get the smell you get when your mum gets to cooking.
• Add the blitzzed veggies. Stir. (clockwise cause your grandmother told your mother who told you, so just do it!)
• Add the pasta paste (I like this alliteration).
• Stir some more. Talk to duniya bhar ka log who decide to call at this inappropriate time of self-healing cooking.
• Add macaroni
• Taste...Get hit by the taste of the chilies.
• Add salt.
• Add cream. Taste. Add more cream.
• Arrange on a plate with a mint leaf and a walnut. Not to forget some cheese!
• Decide that it needs something more to feel like a healing meal...
• Discover a rose wine hidden in a cupboard
• :)
• Drink, Eat, Catch some serials. Sleep like a log...Feel refreshed! 

Now when you get a special request for a packed southie lunch on a weekday you ask yourself is it possible?
hmmm...
hmmm...
Well, you can't not try!

• Get up at 7:25 (late if you need to pack two lunches, get yourself ready and reach office by 9: 30)
• Start peeling/chopping veggies
• Cut most veggies in long 2" modules
• 2 long Carrots, 100 gms Tindli, 1 chunk of Yam
• Cut larger cube sections of 2 large potatoes (dad likes it that way)
• Realise you need to make rice too. Scramble to boil water, wash rice, put rice in.
• Peel and cut 2 raw bananas. They turn black at the speed of light, so be quick. (don't try to do this by hand, the skin is pretty much stuck to the inside and turns your fingertips black *use coconut oil to clean that*) 
• Thaw frozen peas (You forgot that! Loose some time...)
• Boil water, dump veggies in them. Don't stir too much veggies will break)
• Put 2 green chillies, 1 frond of kadipatta for fragrance
• Scrape 1 coconut
• Drain water from rice. Pray that it has not cooked to smushy levels.
• Grind coconut, 1" imli, 8pcs of chillies for colour and spice(4 pcs of madras, 4 of guntur), 1 spoon cumin seeds + water
• Make a smooth paste
• Go yikes! when you realise that the veggies have boiled already.
• Add coconut paste
• Prepare tadka- rai, udad dal, lots of hing, kadipatta, 1 mirchi
• Put tadka in to curry that is starting to smell pretty good
• Stir without breaking veggies. Patience.
• Put serving on a wide dish to release some steam before packing
• Brush, bathe, dress
• Pack curry
• Pack rice
• Pack 1 zip lock pack of banana chips
• Pack 1 zip lock pack of barfi
• Smile
• Give dabba to request maker
• Feel happy and floaty for your mini accomplishment all day

P.S: I had some help! Thanks mom!

being depressed is like staring at your nose...you know that all you need to do is look some distance away and you'll feel a little less nauseous. 

whats wrong
job- why cant i seem to find the kind of work i want to do?
job-crazy work load
friends- haven't spoken in ages
scooter battery died

whats right
mum-dad
me n abhi
friends- they don't hate me. yet.
i can still make up songs about everything

i have so many things to do. that i really want to do. when will i do them?

Need ISD

web linked!

This is just a chain of events in cyber space.
Sarita shows me a site and then I click click click and I just felt like sharing that-

IDF - http://www.indiadesignforum.com/
Aman Nath - http://www.indiadesignforum.com/speakers/aman-nath/
Neemrana Hotel- http://the-verandah-in-the-forest.neemranahotels.com/- which is booked for another how many months I don't know! I went from March to December with booked results!

This was not a very informational search but I like the idea. We should just share webfootprints... It's like looking at somone's thought process and then probably deviating and making your own webfootprints.

Its been ages

I cannot make another blog just because I have another idea track! So boss, I'm just going to type here. A simple post a day. Even if it is just a word. Living life like that is terribly short sighted without reflection and for me a part of reflection is writing (the other part is walking). So here goes-

I've been busy, by busy I don't mean productive, but busy nonetheless. I haven't been doing the things I want to be and I've been getting bogged down because I imagined having my world thrown open only to discover that any 'throwing open' has to be done by me.

I was making a list of things I want to do, people/ things important to me. Unfortunately I was interrupted but such is life. This is just a quick rush of words I'm typing so they would ofcourse not make for good reading.

To my friends who have found time to browse through this post- hello, I miss all of you- especially when my mind is blank and can fly anywhere- it makes atleast one pitstop on each of you- LOL (lots of love not laugh out loud)

Quick look at what's bugging me/ what's missing in day to day life-
I lost my PAN card
I can't call ISD (sorry Rashmi, Divya- Call me!). Thanks to shitty  vodafone.
I want a new phone- Not because I want to get on 'whatsapp' but I think I need to make technology my new friend because my closest friends aren't physically here.
I want a new laptop. Old one can barely function with Acad and Sketchup. I can take a bath, eat food and come back to find that my files is still trying to open.
I want a camera. I want to roam around and take more than mental pictures.

Quick look at my 'yay' moments-
I bought a scooter!!!! My big acheivement! Woohoo!
I quit my old job and am trying to figure out what all I want from my new one.
I have medical Insurance and a PPF account. I'm trying to become money savvy.
I know what I want to change about myself.