i have this new thing for the number 8. i have been analysing it and have come to the conclusion that it could possibly be the reason for the nonsensical processes that go on in my brain. there are so many 8's in my b'day date. i think the 8s are what make me so loopy. i think from one side but i can also see the others POV. so difficult to take a tough stand on anything when u can empathise with the enemy!

so...

i think i should be a spiritual leader. not a religious one as pointed out by mr. bow-and-arrow but a spiritual motivational leader.

i just have to tame my anger a few notches further. i'm getting there. but i can see myself talking to millions and millions of people and telling them to weed stuff out of their life and go, go with the flow.

i just keep repeating to myself. don't be problem focused. move. do. seek solutions. 

just ensure that the problems exist. fighting demons that don't exist or rather exist only within the undulations of your mind is a waste of precious time and energy. And i can tell other people too. if they'd listen. then life would be a breeze! wouldn't it? 

this is going to be a long post my dearest blog. 

my mind wanders and i must wander with it or risk losing it. 

so many people are mad at me for some or the other reason. the reasons all seem valid. but now i can't change what i did, how i dealt with time or the lack of it or if i was plain lazy. i wonder if it means they love me less. in some small part of their heart have they slotted me as someone who cares too less and they care much more but now no more? sigh.

i think i'm too momentary. by which i mean that i get so sucked into the here and now that i forget that you have to make room for things, people, events. but its all exhausting. often you find that you are functioning on reserve fuel and what if your car stops? then what? 

friends are petrol pumps in that sense. but where are they? aren't they on their own clocks and wheels and the big deals? so how do you deal with the fact that you are absolutely, irrefutably alone, everyday. swim swim swim. you wait. no hovering helicopters that will take you towards safety and rest.

so you swim to the other side, a myth like the 'flat land' you walk towards. but you still swim. did you know  more and more polar bears are dying by drowning. their own environment is just disappearing under their feet. how tired they must be from all the swimming...

i like typing dots... they fill space on virtual pages and leave untold things that way but convey a morse code of emotions. but nobody has time to decode them. 

i can't write. i can't draw. i can't make. i can't create. i can't convey. i can't love. i can't think. i can't hope. i can't wait. i can't have. i can't try. i can't enjoy. i can't find. i've lost my mind.

now gotta work on removing all the 't's

Someday's you feel dumb...or rather like you're not as smart as somebody else and you go through continuous negative self evaluation.

i feel so crappy these days...what am i doing? why am i here? how come everyone has so much clarity on what they want to do/ be in life? and here i am, lost, suspended in permanent orbit around the same people, same things.

why don't i feel like my life is going somewhere? why can't i have a small slice of the happiness that everybody seems to have? why am i here, typing in bursts of emotion, weeping over a keyboard, looking for heavenly intervention in the form of light from welding work at a construction site?

what are the new things i have done? what are the new risks i have taken?

i want the people i love to be happy and i try to help them have that but what about me...sometimes i feel that inside me somewhere there is a small, tiny, awkward piece that has gone missing and no matter how hard i try i can't seem to find it.